Problem

Will you be my problem?

I am in need of one

I lie in bed at night

Thinking about death and whatnot

While other girls walk around

Begging for love

I don’t mean that I’m better

I just mean that I am different

While they wait for a call or a knock on the door

My thoughts in the ceiling

They fly and they soar

I don’t have real issues

That’s what I reckon

It is arrogant, yes

But the truth, it beckons

I flip through pages of Harry Potter

‘What is Ron’s role?’ I wonder

I watch the Kardiashians and then wonder how they feel

They exploit themselves to pay their bills

All of these thoughts will not be in my mind

If you were my problem before I sleep at night

I’d wonder if you talked to Amy

If you find her cute, if you find her funny

I’d wonder if your friends or family like me

If I was rough enough, polite enough, smart enough

Whatever is their liking

I’d wonder if you’d call in the middle of the night

Asking if you could stay over until there is light

I’d wonder in the darkness if you really loved me

Or did I just entertain you, a flight of your fancy

If I were with you, I would be neurotic

But at least my neurons will be good for something

I’ll question my beauty, my value, my entire existence

But I wouldn’t know that because I’d just think about your presence

I’d just wonder if you loved me, loved me, or loved me

I will not think about my individuality

I will not think about my successes and beautiful fails

The meaning of my life and the death that it entails

Yes, I’ll choose you to be my problem

It’s got a sugar coating and the icing is you

With or without your permission

My problem now will only be you

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Fade


There was a lady

Who was looking sternly at me

You were standing not far away

In the darkness, I couldn’t see

The look on your face
The room started shifting

Floors were elevating

Ceilings were falling

And yet you stood, unmoved

Standing far away from me
People were saying things

Things I could not make out

What are the words that they are mumbling

For the life of me

I don’t know what they’re talking about
I stood at the end of the aisle

I could just make out the silhouette of your back 

The smoke was too thick

I had to wait a while

First an unsure step, a run, and then an attack

By the time I got to you

You were facing me all right

But those cold cold eyes

Sent shivers down my spine
I retreated slowly slowly

If I walked away slowly enough

You might change your mind and try to catch up

I walked farther away, slowly slowly

You didn’t catch up

You just faded away

Slowly

Slowly

Love?

flower

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Yesterday was the first time I understood Valentine’s Day. I think it helped that I was in a place where you would not be ostracized by the fact that you don’t have a date. Valentine’s Day was just another date on the calendar. Coming from where I came from though, I still felt that this day was special. I’m just glad that I was away from the girls carrying bouquets of flowers from their boyfriends or boys carrying bouquets of flowers for their girlfriends. It is like scrolling through Facebook. You see a little piece of other people’s livesĀ and you spend the rest of the day questioning what you have done with your life to not deserve a bouquet in your arms. Being away from all that is like logging out of Facebook. It’s freedom. It allows you to make your own meaning of life.

And love. That is the only meaning of Valentine’s Day for me. Technically, I do not understand that word. But as ambiguous as it is, it still makes more sense than chocolates and flowers and diamond rings. I watched Girls yesterday and one of the characters said that love is the easiest thing in the world. I want to protest. I really do. But somehow, I can’t get myself to. Every moment that I was breathing in Valentine’s Day air, I was being reminded to be grateful for my continued existence. And every time that I was greeting someone with a heart-felt “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I was shouting it in the face of someone that I cared about. If love then had to be explained, I’d probably use its middle name, appreciation, or its nickname, caring, somewhere in the definition. Two words that are beautiful enough for me to understand love.

I used to despise Valentine’s Day. It was a reminder that another year had passed with me buying Ferrero Rocher for myself, not having allergies from pollen-ridden flowers in my arms, not braving the traffic with someone holding my hand. It turns out, all it takes is getting on a plane and landing not too far away. I can buy my Ferrero Rocher. I can have allergies from other things besides flowers. And I can sway my arms while walking alone. I am all right. I am amazing. Valentine’s Day is about love. And it is what I have within and all around me. Happy Valentine’s Day everyday, everybody.