Problem

Will you be my problem?

I am in need of one

I lie in bed at night

Thinking about death and whatnot

While other girls walk around

Begging for love

I don’t mean that I’m better

I just mean that I am different

While they wait for a call or a knock on the door

My thoughts in the ceiling

They fly and they soar

I don’t have real issues

That’s what I reckon

It is arrogant, yes

But the truth, it beckons

I flip through pages of Harry Potter

‘What is Ron’s role?’ I wonder

I watch the Kardiashians and then wonder how they feel

They exploit themselves to pay their bills

All of these thoughts will not be in my mind

If you were my problem before I sleep at night

I’d wonder if you talked to Amy

If you find her cute, if you find her funny

I’d wonder if your friends or family like me

If I was rough enough, polite enough, smart enough

Whatever is their liking

I’d wonder if you’d call in the middle of the night

Asking if you could stay over until there is light

I’d wonder in the darkness if you really loved me

Or did I just entertain you, a flight of your fancy

If I were with you, I would be neurotic

But at least my neurons will be good for something

I’ll question my beauty, my value, my entire existence

But I wouldn’t know that because I’d just think about your presence

I’d just wonder if you loved me, loved me, or loved me

I will not think about my individuality

I will not think about my successes and beautiful fails

The meaning of my life and the death that it entails

Yes, I’ll choose you to be my problem

It’s got a sugar coating and the icing is you

With or without your permission

My problem now will only be you

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Ed

I listened to Ed Sheeran for the first time in months

For every line a new memory comes

No more tears now

Only thoughts arise
You said you don’t like him

He’s just a guy with a guitar

You’re just practicing with the chords 

And the notes on the bars
You don’t relate to him

Yet I relate his songs to you

For the words, the beat, and the hymn

All remind me of you
You used to sing ‘Thinking Out Loud’

And I’d ask you to stop

No one else can sing it

Besides the man with the carrot top
‘Mah, my, mah, my’ you used to sing

It was awful, made my ears ring

I like those raspy, spontaneous rifts

But your voice sends me to laughing fits
You thought ‘All of the Stars’ is for his grandma

You even had a story about him looking at the skies

It’s for a movie, for the cinema

It’s a love song, you dumbass
When I was a mess, I still told you to ‘Lay it all on me’

You did and the weight crushed me

You asked me if I could still take it

I couldn’t but of course I faked it
Earlier this year, I was singing this for you

‘You need me, I don’t need you’

I did need you at that time

But even yourself, you could not find
I continued to pick up the pieces

To make a Lego house

You never picked any of the pieces

So I had to knock it down
I don’t wanna listen to your voice or your stories

I don’t wanna carry your baggage or any pieces

I finally truly do not need you

Listen to this, ‘I am happier without you.’

Fade


There was a lady

Who was looking sternly at me

You were standing not far away

In the darkness, I couldn’t see

The look on your face
The room started shifting

Floors were elevating

Ceilings were falling

And yet you stood, unmoved

Standing far away from me
People were saying things

Things I could not make out

What are the words that they are mumbling

For the life of me

I don’t know what they’re talking about
I stood at the end of the aisle

I could just make out the silhouette of your back 

The smoke was too thick

I had to wait a while

First an unsure step, a run, and then an attack

By the time I got to you

You were facing me all right

But those cold cold eyes

Sent shivers down my spine
I retreated slowly slowly

If I walked away slowly enough

You might change your mind and try to catch up

I walked farther away, slowly slowly

You didn’t catch up

You just faded away

Slowly

Slowly

Break

brain-transparent

 

My head is aching right now. I have been doing reports for work the whole day for the past two days. I meant for today to be a break. But just when I was already on my second Sunday errand, it hit me. I had to finish another report by the end of this day! It did not frazzle me too much, to be honest. I was gonna head off to my favorite coffee shop and see some friends (who, by the way, are arm-wrestling right now). As soon as I got on the car though, I felt my head starting to throb. It knew what was coming. Another bout of brain-twisting and bending. I have relentlessly worked on my last report for the last two weeks. I did not cook. I did not exercise. I did not even pluck my eyebrows. I was able to finish my report right on schedule, but I’m not sure I wanna go through that again.

So what to do? I want to take tomorrow off. I do hope there is nothing that has to be done. This brain needs some break.

Love?

flower

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Yesterday was the first time I understood Valentine’s Day. I think it helped that I was in a place where you would not be ostracized by the fact that you don’t have a date. Valentine’s Day was just another date on the calendar. Coming from where I came from though, I still felt that this day was special. I’m just glad that I was away from the girls carrying bouquets of flowers from their boyfriends or boys carrying bouquets of flowers for their girlfriends. It is like scrolling through Facebook. You see a little piece of other people’s lives and you spend the rest of the day questioning what you have done with your life to not deserve a bouquet in your arms. Being away from all that is like logging out of Facebook. It’s freedom. It allows you to make your own meaning of life.

And love. That is the only meaning of Valentine’s Day for me. Technically, I do not understand that word. But as ambiguous as it is, it still makes more sense than chocolates and flowers and diamond rings. I watched Girls yesterday and one of the characters said that love is the easiest thing in the world. I want to protest. I really do. But somehow, I can’t get myself to. Every moment that I was breathing in Valentine’s Day air, I was being reminded to be grateful for my continued existence. And every time that I was greeting someone with a heart-felt “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I was shouting it in the face of someone that I cared about. If love then had to be explained, I’d probably use its middle name, appreciation, or its nickname, caring, somewhere in the definition. Two words that are beautiful enough for me to understand love.

I used to despise Valentine’s Day. It was a reminder that another year had passed with me buying Ferrero Rocher for myself, not having allergies from pollen-ridden flowers in my arms, not braving the traffic with someone holding my hand. It turns out, all it takes is getting on a plane and landing not too far away. I can buy my Ferrero Rocher. I can have allergies from other things besides flowers. And I can sway my arms while walking alone. I am all right. I am amazing. Valentine’s Day is about love. And it is what I have within and all around me. Happy Valentine’s Day everyday, everybody.

 

Unfriend

two-friends

I unfriended him today on Facebook. I feel tears marching their way towards my eyes. I feel a frown slipping its way down my lips. I feel a heartbeat thumping against my chest. I feel moisture in my throat drying out. I feel a weight resting on my shoulders. I feel a throbbing coursing through my brain. This is how sadness feels. This is how anger feels.

This is a step that I am proud to have taken. I don’t know if it’s the right step, I am proud nonetheless. I have held on to that hope for far too long. To be honest, I know that I still am holding on. I am still waiting for him to change his mind. I am waiting for everybody to change their minds. They never have. I don’t know why I am still hoping that they ever will.

My shoulders are getting heavier still. My breath is getting shallower.

I am proud of what I have done. That is all there is to it right now. There is anger, sadness, disappointment, discouragement. But I hope still. So pride. That’s all there is to it right now.

Directions with Negatives

This resource could be used for giving directions with negatives. It comprises of simple one-step directions on the left hand side and the version with the negative, specifically using the word “don’t”, on the other. You could cut along the lines, fold each word into small pieces, and put them in a container. The student could then draw a paper, read and follow the instruction.

A sample is provided below. I am not sure if there is private messaging on WordPress. But if there is, kindly send me your e-mail address so I could send you a copy of the directions.

directions-with-negatives

On Diwali: Glorious, Magical, Bittersweet

The author has delved into two topics that I dare not even start to talk about. Religion and home. An inspiring and mesmerizing read.

cappy writes

Only the best restaurant I've ever eaten at in Bangalore. Only the best restaurant I’ve ever eaten at in Bangalore.

It’s Diwali, and with that comes so much light and love and happiness for me as a Hindu. I continually learn about elements of my faith with each passing holiday, so I always have a hard time explaining Diwali to other people, but the most beautiful thing for me about Hinduism is that I feel it deep in my soul. I understand it there first, and then in my head. That doesn’t always sit well with others, but its what makes Hinduism mine. It’s why I am Hindu and not Jain or Sikh or Muslim or Jewish or anything else. I am inherently Hindu, deep through my core, and it bursts out of me in the most glorious ways. I am a human representation of the physical aspect of Diwali.

I am drawn, like that cliche moth to its mother…

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