Ed

I listened to Ed Sheeran for the first time in months

For every line a new memory comes

No more tears now

Only thoughts arise
You said you don’t like him

He’s just a guy with a guitar

You’re just practicing with the chords 

And the notes on the bars
You don’t relate to him

Yet I relate his songs to you

For the words, the beat, and the hymn

All remind me of you
You used to sing ‘Thinking Out Loud’

And I’d ask you to stop

No one else can sing it

Besides the man with the carrot top
‘Mah, my, mah, my’ you used to sing

It was awful, made my ears ring

I like those raspy, spontaneous rifts

But your voice sends me to laughing fits
You thought ‘All of the Stars’ is for his grandma

You even had a story about him looking at the skies

It’s for a movie, for the cinema

It’s a love song, you dumbass
When I was a mess, I still told you to ‘Lay it all on me’

You did and the weight crushed me

You asked me if I could still take it

I couldn’t but of course I faked it
Earlier this year, I was singing this for you

‘You need me, I don’t need you’

I did need you at that time

But even yourself, you could not find
I continued to pick up the pieces

To make a Lego house

You never picked any of the pieces

So I had to knock it down
I don’t wanna listen to your voice or your stories

I don’t wanna carry your baggage or any pieces

I finally truly do not need you

Listen to this, ‘I am happier without you.’

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Silence

It is very seldom that I shed tears of joy. This day, I did shed them though. Out of the goodness of someone’s heart, my brother received the best pair of hearing aids that he has ever had. He is happy about it and that is something to cry about. 

My brother was born with a hearing impairment. Over the years, it has gotten worse. He has tried a couple of times to wear hearing aids. They were always provided by charitable organizations. I am very thankful for the work that they do, but of course the quality of the devices that my brother used was in the lower range. He thus never enjoyed wearing them. He would complain that everything was too loud, giving him a headache. It was supposed to help him but those moments he was wearing them turned out to be very unpleasant experiences. To add to this, I have to confess that our family is not a very good source of support. First of all, we did not have money to sustain the maintenance that the hearing aids needed. Second of all, we did not fully appreciate its value. When Kurt says he wanted to stop wearing them, we would be perfectly fine with it. We did not have the energy to oppose this. Kurt lives a life relatively far from what is normal, but he is happy and functional. We didn’t much worry about how else life could be better.
Kurt hardly ever went to school. He doesn’t have close friends. But he survives. I’ve always wanted something better for him. I still wish he could learn to read, do math, or commute on his own. I never did do anything about it though. I am a speech pathologist. I work with other professionals in the same field as I am. I encounter individuals with special needs. I am in the perfect situation to finally provide my brother with a shot at a better life. Yet I find my brother in the same situation he’s been in since we were kids. Happy and functional, yet full of unfulfilled potential.
I do want to give myself some credit and actually deserve it. I have not been able to put my brother at the top of my priority list but I know that when he needs me, I will be there. I am working hard on improving my life so that in the future I could finally put him in the top spot. I have given my brother some things but I still owe him a lot. I am all forms of grateful for the good people who help me and my family support Kurt. Sometimes we lack motivation. Most of the time we lack money. But we are good people and we are surrounded by good people. I owe my brother a lot. Thankfully, I have a whole community lending me a hand.